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Living Well with HIV: Cinematic Therapy from "A Single Man"

by TeddyG

I feel like I just had an intense therapy session, in the form of seeing “A Single Man” earlier tonight. I’m not saying it was the greatest movie ever made—I won’t throw in any spoilers but the ending was way too abrupt for my taste--yet the up side is that I didn’t want the film to end. I was totally enamored with Oscar nominee Colin Firth’s riveting performance as a gay man mourning the loss of his love, so much so that it stirred up emotions that have been buried for ages.

Let me explain.

The movie takes place in the early 1960s—decades before anyone had ever heard of HIV or AIDS, of course—but I felt incredible parallels with Firth’s mourning character, who I felt a kinship with because we’re both grieving a terrible loss. I realize mine, ever since my diagnosis, has been the perceived loss of myself. Or more specifically, my sexual self, my dating self, my flirting self. All had been lost to HIV, without my really realizing it. True, I’ve lamented and even bitched about being in a dating desert, but I haven’t been in a desert, I’ve been romantically dead and buried. It’s time to come back to life, and for some reason, this movie snapped me to attention.

A few things also struck me: the dialogue between Firth and a few of the absurdly hot young men that pursue him throughout the film is so civilized, so intelligent and so...kind. There was no bitchy one liners or attitude or dismissive judgments between the characters, and as I said, both younger characters were of the uber hot variety. Maybe I’ve been online too long, but I realized I’m sadly nonchalant and even used to all the hostile profiles (do NOT contact me if you’re this, this, OR this…) and flippant “what you looking for” greetings.

I’ve been in mourning all right, just like Firth’s single man, but it’s because in my mind, I’ve lost myself to another kind of ghost—HIV. As the movie unfolded, I found myself yearning for Firth to connect with these men he would meet, let go of his loss and see all he had to live for, and embrace it. But I've got to give myself the same advice. I’m in full, vibrant health at the moment, and romantically speaking, I’ve treated myself as the walking dead.

So I'm treating this as a cinematic wake up call. I have much to offer, and I’ve let my fear, judgment and the mere idea of rejection and other people’s dismissals of me shut down this big romantic heart of mine. My bad!

It may not be fair, what some people may think of people living with HIV, but what does it matter, and what can I do about it? I saw a Twitter post recently of a famous saying, what other people think of me is none of my business. Good advice, I'd say, and though (Pat Benatar alert!) love may indeed be a battlefield, it's like the lotto, isn't it? You can't win if you don't play.

So, thanks a bunch, Colin, you've got my Oscar vote...

So tell me, have any of you seen "A Single Man" and if so, what feelings came up for you? Was it a downer or inspiration? Let's discuss in the 'comments' below ...

Living Well with HIV: World AIDS Day, Twitter and Looking for Love...

by TeddyG

Happy #World AIDS Day…I saw this Tweet last week and it’s stayed with me ever since. I can’t know for sure of the intended tone of the author (whose name I’ll leave out, I don’t want to be the inspiration for any subsequent hate Tweets!) but it struck me personally as the height of utter stupidity. Has Dec. 1 become (at least for some) like some jaunty holiday where people get to wear red ribbons and turn their Tweets red and feel accepting and benevolent for a day?

So now we have Merry Christmas, Happy St. Patrick’s Day, and Happy World AIDS Day? Ugh…

Anyway, since even social media forums like Twitter were saturated with stories, stats and the like that day, I dived in and privately confronted my own story as a person living with HIV. Sure, the closest people in my life know my status and are fully supportive, but my approach after the initial shock wore off has been to be as completely ‘normal’ as possible in my life, focus on being healthy, stress-free and…unaffected.

I fight any hint of allowing myself to be stigmatized and thankfully I’m so far successful in achieving this in my daily life. But I watched a documentary on Showtime called “Love in a Time of HIV” that shook me a bit. The most riveting scene to me involved a young woman in South Africa, in the moment she had to tell a new boyfriend she was positive. She was so brave, and yet it was clearly such a hard, humbling and scary thing to do. Your self-regard has to be incredible to manage HIV in any society, and dating and relationships are hard enough as it is, much less having this looming every time you meet someone you might like.

I was suddenly confronted by what I’ve been subconsciously hiding from.

I’ve previously lamented how challenging it is to have a safer sex life when so many positive guys seem to be exclusively barebacking. Can I tell you the number of hot guys I’ve had to turn down because of this? I’m undetectable, feeling great and still don’t think sex is worth potentially messing that up by exposing myself to a new strain of the virus. But temptations are always there, far more plentiful than the handful of safer sex options.
 
I know patrolling sex and dating sites for Mr. Right is probably not the ideal route to finding love, but I am having a hard time putting myself out there in ‘unplugged’ social settings for dates, and having to tell an unsuspecting date of my status face to face. At least online, you can mention it right upfront in your profile, and can only be rejected via an unreturned IM or email. A face-to-face rejection … just imagining it is so painful.

In other words, I’m not there yet. This blog did a recent poll about how many discuss their HIV status on a date, but I’m wondering if anyone has a specific story to share? I’ve perused some dating sites for people living with STDs and HIV, and even considered some HIV support groups, but don’t like what I’ve heard (people focused on being sick, rather than being well, is my biggest roadblock), and pretty much loathe the idea. I would love to be part of something empowering and loving--a health-centric group?--that focuses on living, not dying. Anyone know of one?

I’m totally ready to date and have fun and fall in love, but the media spotlight on World AIDS Day made me realize that I’ve been hiding out, waiting, and avoiding this move. I’m scared of rejection, of the shame of someone not wanting me merely because of my status. I’m in a dating desert, perhaps self-imposed, but I feel like I’m protecting myself, too.

Are there any HIV negative guys out there dating positive guys? When did you first discuss your status with a new date? I’m ready to be inspired, and get out there again.

I can’t wait to hear your comments (Tweets are welcome too, follow the blog here!)

Living Well with HIV: Dreamtime, Carly Simon and Spontaneous Healing...

by TeddyG

New Age Pollyana alert.

Really, I’ve had enough depression to last a lifetime, but you’ve got to believe me when I say…

I had the most spontaneous, tremendous, totally unplanned and mind blowing release of guilt last night--in my dreams. I know in this day and age, with all the fundraisers, AIDS walks, foundations and support groups, that I shouldn’t have a shed of guilt for being HIV positive, but clearly part of me felt I did something wrong. I hate to even see myself write those words, but I know now it was there. How do I know? Whether this new HIV med prompted it or not (my doc said I might have some dreams, what an understatement!), I had a magnificent, eye opening dream last night that in it's context was right out of White Rabbit and Grace Slick!

It was like every label, judgment, old story, hurt, regret, limitation or aggravation I’d ever felt or carried around was gone in an instant.

So get this: I was at Carly Simon’s birthday party, but oddly she had a really tight perm and big glasses. Anyway, we were sitting on a picnic table, and right in front of me she cut massive slabs of the cake and started ravenously gobbling bites, even scooping the fruit (green grapes!) and frosting off the top, as I sat there, wondering if I should try to make small talk. Then when I was leaving Steve Martin of all people was on the front lawn, waving goodbye, and then I stepped onto the streets of New York City.

Then, I realized it. I was light as air. Whether it’s the years of therapy kicking in, or some Divine energy allowed to flow, or my brain circuitry finding a new uncharted neural pathway to bliss, I stated feeling incredibly empowered, I felt a joy I’d never felt before, I felt in the moment, total release of every shred of baggage, judgment and woe I’d been carrying around. I was me, but without the baggage, bad feeling or labels.

Nirvana!

I didn’t feel the past anymore around my neck, I didn’t feel a shred of guilt or remorse or regret for any part of my life, it’s like they say the Universe is within, well that’s exactly what I felt like. I felt huge. Health coursed through me like a volcano of bliss and well-being, like I WAS health itself. I could have floated away, but I felt more substantial and powerful that ever before. It was like taking huge effortless gulps of well-being, kind of like that Joni Mitchell line, I could drink a case of you, and still be on my feet…

Did you ever see that Ted video of Jill Bolte Taylor describing her stroke? It was like complete release and freedom and liberation from all I’ve known, and I realize the past didn’t matter or limit me at all. It was rendered meaningless and uninteresting by this magnificent feeling. I was flush with gratitude, when in all honestly I haven’t felt grateful in ages. I realized absolutely nothing was wrong with me. I was dreaming, but I was consciously keeping this going too, I could feel myself opening up to more, and every label, judgment, old story, hurt, regret, limitation or aggravation I’d ever felt or carried around was gone in an instant. I was left with sheer delight in being alive, right here, and I was exactly as I should be, nothing could possibly go wrong, I was not only safe, I was massive, as big as the Universe, but still in my body.

It was thrilling, yet also familiar.

Living Well with HIV: From Stress to Serenity, via my iPod?

by TeddyG

Listen up, skeptics!

Anyone who thinks the mind-body connection is bogus needs to give me a chance to explain. I’ve been a worry maniac lately: Should I start HIV meds? Will I ever meet Mr. Right? Is my new career going to work out? I’m telling you, everything goes to hell when I’m in emotional distress. My stomach bloats and churns, my energy drains and I can’t work out as well, and my whole quality of life suffers--all because I’m thinking destructive, fearful thoughts.

Anyway, let’s talk mind-body. From my experience, there is no doubt we have different energy centers (chakras, if you want to get specific) in our body that have recorded and stored a lot of our emotional and physical life information. I can't remember who said “Your biography is in your biology,” but it makes sense to me.

For example, that bully who taunted you relentlessly in the seventh grade or the abuse you endured from a parent may be in the past, but the memories still live in your cells and can create chemical reactions in your physiology regardless of how far in the past they occurred.

"I’m a major player in my health and future and what I think and feel (or don’t feel) really does matter."

In truth, this stuff is pretty solid science.  If you don't buy it, just check out the likes of Candace Pert and Bruce Lipton and decide for yourself. It was also explained in an entertaining way in the “What the Bleep” movie. For me in the past year especially, this knowledge has provided the ammunition I needed to take at least some emotional control over my condition, mindset and confidence that I’m a major player in my health and future and that what I think and feel (or don’t feel) really does matter. It’s empowering, and I can feel my whole body come alive with excitement when I ponder this.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not floating around in the clouds of La La Land all day, thinking that happy thoughts magically make everything all right, but I’ve greatly opened up my mind and heart throughout this ordeal and am certain stuff like guided meditation can have a profound and positive affect on health and immune function. If you look in a microscope, you know we’re not just slabs of meat, because every cell in our body is moving, shifting, communicating and regenerating every second of our lives.

Living Well With HIV: The Joy of (No) Sex?

by TeddyG

OK, I know this blog is about 'living well' but indulge me a little meltdown today, OK?

Let me be clear however: I’m not in any way judging or pointing fingers, I’m just frustrated. But here's the thing, does everyone with HIV bareback? Don’t they give a hoot about genotypes or the array of other STD's out there? I can’t tell you the number of hot positive guys I've talked to online who’ve gone silent after I mentioned wanting to have safer sex.

"This is one area of ‘living well’ I really need to tackle, pronto, but I need help!"

And just as many negative guys preface their profiles with “Drug and Disease free. Expect the same.” OK, fair enough, but to me it’s like a cold slap in the face, like I've been shuttered to a desert island. Part of me wants to scream, isn't this what condoms are for, guys?

Why leave me out?

I’m still young, attractive, and am feeling great. So how can I 'live well' without a vibrant sex life? This is one area of my life I really need to tackle, pronto.

But I need help. I yearn to feel passionate and connected to someone, but literally 98 percent of the potential partners I’ve come across online (I'm not a bar person) seem to think using a condom is akin to eating a plate of cold canned spinach. They have every right to feel that way, of course, and for them, maybe it's never a problem. I just know my doc says I'm doing well and that barebacking puts my health in jeopardy.

So for now, I am celibate, and in a way it's peaceful not having the baggage that often comes with casual sex. I'm focusing on friendships, fitness, mind body wellness and self-acceptance (lots of guided meditations lately, like these), but there's also a nagging sense I'm missing out.

I know I should get out there, meet and mingle, but how can I go out on a date and not tell him my status, right up front? Should I discuss health status before our taste in music or food? Lady Gaga or Gwen? Indian or Italian? Positive or negative?

Anyone have suggestions here (regardless of your status)? If you're negative, would you be pissed off if a guy went on a date with you and didn't discuss it right away? Or would you find it strange to get so personal, so quickly? I feel a poll question coming on!

Thus far In my experience, the easiest place to have the ‘what’s your status’ conversation is online--on a dating or hook up site. No real embarrassment, no drama for the most part: if it doesn’t work, click, they’re gone! But it also feels like such a cold cop out.

But one guy I've been talking to online is making me wobble: He’s totally my type, looks great and seems grounded; but nope, he's not into condoms either. Let me tell you, I’m tempted. A life of celibacy will NOT be a permanent condition.

What to do? Should I hold my ground and keep looking for Mr. Fabulous Positive Guy Who Uses Condoms even if it takes me 10 years to find him? Am I way off base here?

As usual, I'm all ears (comment box below to chime in) and welcome your thoughts.

Living Well with HIV: A Blog

 by TeddyG

A few years ago, if you’d have asked me which I’d be more likely to be doing in 2009, writing a blog about living with HIV or doing circus tricks for Britney on her world tour, I would most certainly have imagined the latter.

But Britney’s tour goes on without me, and here I am, “blogging” my so-called HIV life for GayHealthBlog.com. What the hell am I thinking, right? My motivation is simple: I think I can help blow apart some stereotypes and stigmas. I hate the stupidity out there. Hey, I've been diagnosed (two years ago) and realize I haven't sprouted three heads, or disappeared into the abyss. I’m still the same person I used to be. I refuse to cower or shrink away or even be slowed down amidst whatever challenges await.

"I refuse to think I’m different or handicapped or have to bend in any way because of some virus in my blood". 

My focus here will be on living well, and finding ways to be as vibrant, healthy and happy as possible. But the reality is, I have no actual proof of what the future holds (but no one does, of course). Yeah, I’m scared sometimes. Determined most of the time, but weak in the knees sometimes, too…I promise not to whine too much, I just find that soooo tedious...

So, here goes:

I hate to admit it, but I get a little stab of dread when I see “HIV” in a news headline. I really hate it. I feel perfectly fine today, never better. But I know people die from this, like by the millions? So what’s going to happen to me? It’s my own private Twilight Zone, people I still can’t believe it sometimes.

But because my blood work has been good (consistently above 400 T cells) and feeling good, thus far I’ve opted for no meds (my choice, not my doc’s). Fingers crossed, my external day-to-day life has remained relatively…unaltered.

But waves of my new reality crash into me without warning, walking down the street, or on the bus, or at the movies, I lock eyes with someone for a second and suddenly think to myself, “what if they knew?” Would they throw things at me, look away in fear or disgust, or maybe hug me and be my new best friend?