GayHealthBlog.com

ASK THE THERAPIST: I like being single, is that weird?

  I'm in my 40s, and unlike most of my friends (most who dread Valentine's Day, for example), I'm really fine with being single. What is the obsession with pairing off or getting candy or flowers, anyway? If I get swept off my feet one day, great, but I don't feel like a pariah because I'm single, either. Is there something wrong with me?

Not only is there nothing wrong with you, but you may be the paragon of mental health amongst your friends!  Valentine's day is a nice reminder to us to spend some extra time and energy toward those with whom we are in a romantic relationship.  It has become a "Hallmark Holiday" associated with sending cards
and flowers.  So the commercial aspect has ruined it for many and they disregard it even if they are in a relationship.  Personally, I associate it with elementary school and giving tiny greeting cards and small candy hearts with cutsie sayings to all my classmates (even those of the same sex)... but I digress.   

What your friends are doing is taking a rather benign day and turning it on their own perceived shortcomings -- here, being single.  You, on the other hand, do not view being single as a shortcoming.  You are saying you WANT a relationship, but are also fine being single.  That is rational.  It appears your friends DEMAND a relationship, and view being single and any reminder of it (such as Valentine's Day) as an indication of inadequacy on their part.  Thus, to not be inadequate, they MUST be in a relationship.  This creates desperation and lack of confidence.  And, I don't know of anything more repulsive to available singles than desperation and lack of confidence.  Thus, the cycle continues and your friends remain single for the next Valentine's Day.

But, just because you are single does not mean you have to be alone.  Until you have someone you want to buy a bouquet of Gerber Daises and low-carb chocolates, then use the day to celebrate your friendships.  Remind yourself of the importance of those around you and spend time with them or just to send them a "Happy VD" card and have a little chuckle.  Then, when you do find a relationship (and with your positive attitude, I imagine that day will come), see Valentine's Day as a commercial holiday that is nice but not necessary, and that the real work of relationships happens the other 364 days of the year.
-- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK THE THERAPIST: Help! My boyfriend is bringing me down...

  I know things are tough for a lot of people these days, but I'm finding myself getting really dragged down by my boyfriend and others who are "gloom and doom" and disillusioned by everything right now--Obama's broken promises, the economy, gay marriage setbacks, etc. etc. I'm not always Mr. Upbeat either, but how can I avoid getting sucked into the negativity of people around me?

Negativity is like a virus, and to prevent catching that "virus" it is best to follow the same precautions you would use to avoid any viral illness. Avoid people who have it. If you must be around people who have it, keep a reasonable distance and clean up (your thoughts) after your meeting. Of
course, this can be difficult with one's own boyfriend!  So, I recommend you also immunize yourself against negativity with a "Negativity Inoculation."

A "Negativity Inoculation" is creating a response inside your mind to handle incoming negative thoughts.  Here's how it works:

1. Consider the worst and look for the way you can still be O.K., even if the worst happens. Remind yourself how you've been able to pull through other similar situations in the past that may have even been more difficult. 

2. Remind yourself you have the skill to handle things and can seek assistance if you need help. 

3. Then, put it away, leaving yourself with only the belief that you can handle things (this is like the antibody to incoming negative viral beliefs). 

The next time you have negativity invade your body, you will be able to more easily mount a psychological "immune" response and remind yourself of your skill to pull through difficult times and situations.

But don't be afraid of negativity. Like a virus, you need some exposure to help strengthen your psychological immune system.  So a little exposure, or even catching some negative thinking, is not bad for you.  In fact, hanging around people who only think like you do can form a more insidious problem called "groupthink."  This is a dynamic where like-minded people minimize conflict and move a particular agenda forward without analysis or critical thinking.  Individual creativity and independent thinking are discouraged or even cause ejection from the group.  We often see this happen in corporations or organizations that become too powerful or comfortable, such as with big car companies or when a particular political party has control of all three houses of government.  This often causes poor decision making and then backlash from those outside the group (e.g., the public) who push back with their pocketbooks or at the ballot box.

So, bottom line, if you immerse yourself in negativity, you will catch it. If you don't strengthen your psychological immune system to deal with negativity, you will make yourself sick from it.  And, if you try to keep it out of your life completely by surrounding yourself only with like-minded thinkers, you won't experience the benefits that come from opposing viewpoints (such as critical analysis) and may make bad decisions that end up hurting you. -- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK THE THERAPIST: Fabulous at 50? It's Up to You...

I'm a black gay man living in New York City. In a few weeks I turn 50 years old. While turning 30 was difficult--I had to reconcile where I thought I'd be at that point with where I really was--turning 40 was quite easy. I knew who I was and was quite comfortable with myself. But this upcoming birthday has me quite anxious. I don't know where I fit in any more.

It has been more than a decade since I was last in anything even approximating a relationship and if it weren't for masturbation, I'd have no sex life at all. I was never much for bars and clubs and have even less inclination to be in them now that I'm seen as "that old guy." My peers are either coupled up or have given up and become homebodies. I'm in good physical shape and have a good professional life, but I'm now terrified of becoming that single, solitary, celibate old gay guy for the rest of my days. I'm becoming more than a little depressed.

Aging sucks. There, I said it. More wrinkles, fat that never leaves, aching knees, and hair that seems to move from your head to your ears. And that's just the physical part!  Furthermore, baring any physical or mental illness, emotionally we tend to feel less depressed, less hostile, less shy, and overall more emotionally stable.  Yes, you can reread that, I said less depressed, less hostile, less shy, and more emotionally stable.

Hallelujah!  There is at least something good about getting older!

So why aren't you feeling better? You used a lot of words in your question, but never actually said want you wanted and why you wanted it (and maybe that is part of your problem).  So, let me extrapolate.  You want a relationship so that you won't be the pathetic, miserable, lonely old grump that you apparently judge single guys to be in your situation that are past "a certain age."

Trouble is, that is not a good reason to get a relationship.  It's a selfish one. To be in a relationship, you must first become someone with whom you would like to wake up next to.  Sure you have a great job and a good body, but what's inside?  Are you interesting to other people?  Are you interested in other people?  What are the things in life that you value?  Did you vote in the last election?  Rather than looking for someone to fill your emotional void, become the person you have always wanted to be and fill that void yourself. 

Fifty is not old. Though, if you're trying to date gents in their 20's, it might seem that way.  But, try telling someone who is 80 that you are over the hill -- you'll get a dirty look you won't soon forget!  Here is my assignment to you (and being in NYC, you can do this!): volunteer at an agency that services gay senior citizens and make a one-year commitment.  Take them to lunch, play backgammon, and listen to their stories.  Find that single, solitary, celibate old gay guy that you fear becoming and really get to know him.  Listen how he forged a path in this world that you can now walk down openly and proudly.  Pay him back with the kindness and respect he deserves. And while you're at it, get some good old-fashioned psychotherapy to help you push yourself toward new challenges and not get so tied up in your troubled thoughts. 

Then check back with me and tell me how that year has changed you.-- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK THE THERAPIST: Help! I'm married to a woman, but am attracted to men...

  I have recently become bisexual without the knowledge of my wife. I have had feelings for other men since I was in my teens which I attribute to the fact that i was sexually abused as a boy. Be that as it may, I am stuck with same sex feelings which have lead me to many countless hours of surfing internet porn at work.

I also have gay wet dreams. I also surf dating sites (men seeking men classifieds). I have now had various forms of "safe sex" with four guys. In my surfing, I came across sites which all promote admitting your feelings and fulling your same sex desires.

My wife would be horrified if she found out. I do love her and feel bad deep down that I am an adulterer. That's where my question comes in; is my own sexual pleasure more important than hers? I would gladly stop cheating and risk losing her by coming clean if I could find the strength. I would prefer to be straight if I could. To me this is a moral issue.

But can a person change their sexuality?

If your wife loved exhibitionism and could not get those needs met with you, would you mind if she became a stripper and did some private lap dances now and then?  Besides, lap dances are a form of "safe-sex!" Is it OK for her to do this without your knowledge, especially if she thinks telling you would "horrify" you?  Would you rather be an ostrich with its head in the sand?

I agree with you, this is an issue of morality--and yours is a problem. When you got legally married, you agreed to share your life with another person; the details of that agreement is between the two of you.  But, clearly you believe your behavior would violate that agreement. But it appears your solution is to have your desire to have sex with men taken away so that you will no longer have the behavior.

So let's be clear about something: Sexual orientation (such as being gay, bisexual, or heterosexual) is not a choice, it is also not changeable.  But sexual behavior (such as cheating on your wife) is a choice and can be changed. 

I applaud you for recognizing there is a problem and not hiding behind the cloak of righteous indignation that many in your position do.  I believe that if you wanted to stop this behavior, you would have done so by now.  You are being tortured by the fight between your desire to have physical closeness with other men and the desire for continued emotional closeness with your wife.  Unless you get agreement for a different arrangement from your wife, you can't have it both ways. Unless your wife agrees to allow you to go outside of the relationship for male sexual gratification, you are cheating on her.  But, don't count on her giving you a green light; people don't like when a relationship is started under false pretenses and then is fundamentally changed midstream. 

It's time for you to have compassion for both your wife and yourself. Your wife is a victim and she doesn't even know it.  I think it's time to come clean about your sexuality and your desires. Then you need to be prepared for the most difficult conversation of your life. But if you want to help her and the relationship heal, then you must open up and be there for her.  I suggest you tell her at a time when there is nothing going on for the rest of the day and the nothing scheduled the day after.  Then, I suggest you tell her when and where there will be no interruptions.  And, be prepared to answer her questions openly and honestly. 

If you want to involve a therapist, schedule a meeting for the two of you the day after you tell her.  I DON'T suggest telling her in a therapist's office because your wife may feel even more humiliated being told in front of another person.  And, don't fall into the trap of letting your emotions get the best of you and promising you will never have sex with men again in order to preserve your marriage--you have already shown that you could not resist this. 

If your wife wishes to continue the relationship, then the two of you will have to decide how things will change.  As your partner, your wife deserves an equal voice in this relationship.  The only way her voice doesn't count is if you are divorced.   As for being bisexual, it is time to start treating yourself (including your sexual orientation) with love and dignity, rather than shame and regret.  For now, stop cheating on your wife and start showing her the love and dignity she deserves as well. -- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK the THERAPIST: Holiday Hell? It Doesn't Have to Be...

  I absolutely hate the holidays (I'm a 32 year old single gay man). It's so religious based, and family based, and I feel totally left out and stressed out. Every year I go through this, where friends go away and I'm counting the days until it's all over. I do spend a few days with family but our family doesn't get along, it's dysfunction central! How can I find some holiday joy when I just don't seem to fit into the holidays?

Lots of us grew up in families that viewed the holiday season as a license to make misery.  You are associating the holidays with your family and those miserable times and you continue the problem by spending time with them and telling yourself that it is based on someone else's religion.  Rather than escaping "dysfunctional central," you are continuing it wherever you go by seeing yourself as "left out" and making yourself "stressed out."

If you want to find holiday joy, then it is time to start looking for it in some different places.  One of the great things about being an adult is that we can choose a life that was different from that of our childhood.  We can spend time with the people we care about, we can do the things we want to do, and we can make a place for ourselves at our own table, rather than lamenting that there is not a place for us at someone else's.

It's time for you to start a new holiday tradition.  Rather than doing things you think you should be doing, find the things you want to do.  Maybe you can take a trip by yourself or with a friend, maybe you can arrange a holiday meal with some new "family" rather than your blood-relatives, maybe you can go to one of your friends' houses that is more joyous during the holidays, maybe you may want to do the traditional "movie and Chinese food" with people who don't celebrate Christmas day, and maybe you can serve a higher purpose and use this time to serve others less fortunate than yourself (such as volunteering at a retirement home or sending presents to boys and girls who are disowned by their parents for being gay). 

This is an annual event, so think about something you can look forward to rather than something you dread.  It may be difficult at first, but after a while you will find that the holidays don't have to be about your family or someone else's religion, but about time you can do something special for yourself -- and, hopefully, others in the world -- then you will find true holiday joy.-- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK THE THERAPIST: He broke my heart...but I want him back!

  How do I get my ex-boyfriend back or at least get him to talk to me? He ended it real quick with a phone call and has refused since then to talk or even respond to me. I'm very confused and really feel if we sat down and talked it would make a difference or at least it would for me. It's been almost 3 months and I don't know what to do anymore.

If he cut it off abruptly and refuses to contact you, there may be a reason that is staring you in the face that for some reason is difficult for you to see.  Were you disrespectful, condescending, or did you restrict her access to friends and family, hit her, force sex upon her, or attempt to control her? His actions are those of someone who is trapped and believes they have no power, but sees an unlocked exit door (so they run!).  Of course, this could be all about him:  Was he impulsive, flaky, or had this pattern with other lovers?  If so, then you could have seen something like this coming.  Ask people that care about you what they believe may be the reason. It may be an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and/or your choice in women so this doesn't happen again in the future.

Otherwise, it would be best for you to grieve the loss and move on.  Cars and lives are difficult to navigate if you spend your time staring into the rearview mirror and wishing things had been different. -- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK THE THERAPIST: I'm in love with a Paranoid Schizophrenic!

I'm in love with an individual with paranoid schizophrenia and don't know what to do. His mother and sister have it as well, and he is controlled by them 100%. He is now paranoid that I'm trying to hurt him, stalk him, kill him, etc. But he is already paranoid of them and what they will do to him. He needs medication as the psychosis and episodes are getting worse. He has now completely begin to shut down, isolate, not working much, hanging around the family 100% of the time, blunt facial expressions, flattened affect in his voice with no emotions. He is delusional, hearing voices and having hallucinations. His anger and violence is getting stronger as I've watch this progress over the last 2 years.

He needs help and I'm the one always attacked during his moments. I don't know what to do anymore. What is going to happen to him? He becomes psychotic whenever his family is around so they are the trigger. Please give me some advice.

If your bags aren't packed, then it's time to start.  But, I know I'm not the first to say this to you.  And, if you have put up with anger, violence, and paranoid delusions for the last two years, something tells me you are also someone who solicits advice, but doesn't follow it. 

Paranoid Schizophrenia is a serious psychiatric illness that is characterized by believing things that have no basis in reality (delusions) and hearing things that are not really there (hallucinations).  Typically people with it function better than with other types of schizophrenia and with effective treatment, the symptoms can be managed and a successful relationship is possible.   But this is a lifelong condition and even with treatment can sometimes lead to suicide, or even violent behavior toward others -- like you.

If he needs medication, why isn't he getting it (and counseling)?  Does he even think he has a problem?  If he doesn't, he most certainly won't comply with treatment.  If you want to do something, have an open and honest discussion about your concerns and suggest treatment.  If you encounter resistance (from him or his family), you may benefit from reading, "I'm not sick and I don't need help" by Xavier Amador, Ph.D.  In it, he outlines a helpful four step step communication process called LEAP: Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner.  Mostly, Dr. Amador's book will help you understand what your partner is experiencing and how to connect and communicate with him.  It will also help you to accept the limits of your ability to help.

But here's a question for you: Do you have a savior complex?  Or do you just think the only way you can get a man if you can find a broken one and nurse him back to health?  Love is a powerful thing, but it won't cure schizophrenia. Love also won't cure him of his own free will and his choices to be with his family -- no matter how negative you believe their influence to be.   If things haven't changed in the past two years, then don't expect the next 20 to be any different.  If he is threatening to kill you, others, or himself, then call 911 and have him hospitalized.  Otherwise, say your peace with him, but if you really want to make a difference, say the rest to your own therapist. -- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK THE THERAPIST: Open Relationships...Don't Ask, Don't Tell?

My boyfriend just dropped a bombshell on me...he wants an open relationship, saying he loved me but wants to have no strings sex outside the relationship. I'm stunned and don't know what to do.

You have to look at your own values about what you want in a relationship. Some people want monogamy and loyalty, while some are turned on by their partner having sex with other people. It all depends on what you want in a relationship and what your partner wants.

If you're going to be in an open relationship, talk about it with each other. Too many relationships are in 'don't ask, don't tell' open relationships, where they don't talk to each other. Talk about the rules and then revisit those rules over time. If you decide you don't like it, pull the plug on it. Most of all, be true to yourself, no matter what you decide. -- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK THE THERAPIST: Is Erectile Dysfunction All in My Head?

I have never had a problem before with sexual performance, but now that I am with someone that I truly love—and am attracted to—I have seemingly developed erectile dysfunction.

When I’m with him sexually, I am never hard enough to even get off, much less penetrate him. Could this be all in my head (intimacy issues?), or is there something physically/medically wrong with me?

First things first: get thee to a medical doctor! It’s estimated that half or more of erectile disorders are at least partly due to physical causes.

Physical or not, there is no doubt that erectile dysfunction also takes a psychological toll. Depression about “failures” and anxiety about future troubles can take the air out of anyone’s tires. Ask yourself these questions: Do you function adequately when you masturbate? Do you wake up with an erection? Exploring these possibilities can help you determine if there’s a psychological issue at play here.

Men often perform best in one of two conditions: when they feel “one” with their partner or if they can “objectify” him. I assume that you desire to be emotionally fused with your loved one but are also having conflicting feelings. Look at your attitudes toward men and sex. Do you view your partner as a “good boy” but associate hot sex with “bad boys?”

And what’s your mind doing in the bedroom? Brain chatter is often a culprit here. Are you scrutinizing and judging your every move? Are you distracted by outside woes (like finances or career)? If so, focus on your own pleasure rather than trying to please your partner. It may sound selfish but it will help you to lose any negative brain chatter.

Also, find out his feelings and share your own. Work out any conflicts. Tell him what turns you on and share any secret desires or fantasies. If all else fails, see a couple’s therapist who works with gay mens sexual issues. Don’t suffer in silence; it’s your happiness (and possibly your relationship) at stake.

-- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK THE THERAPIST: How Can I Ever Trust Him Again?

Last week, I found my boyfriend has been looking at hook-up sites on the internet. I got angry but he told me he was "just curious" and won’t do it any more. I just can’t let it go. I keep checking the Internet log to see what sites he's been looking at.

I have also asked him for all of his email accounts and passwords and now find myself checking his email every hour to see if he is getting anything suspicious. I am so afraid he will get a different account that I am getting software to monitor his keyboard use. How do I develop trust once I have lost it?

Trust is not lost, it is only on hold. If you want trust to come back into your relationship, you are going to have to push the play button again. Right now, in your quest for “trust” you are looking for evidence that he is violating that trust. You are not looking for his trustworthiness, but rather his violation of trust. And, what you look for, you will inevitably find.

I think your boyfriend must either love you a great deal or have very low self-worth to stay with you when you are acting so paranoid. If you want this relationship to become healthy again, you are the one who is going to have to start changing. I was fine with your letter until you said you “can’t let it go.” Fear and resentment are your problems, not his curiosity. Your discovery could have been a growth moment in the relationship where the two of you talk about your desires and expectations in the relationship and where you might establish or change some of the rules, whether they are explicit or (as is more often the case) assumed.

If you want your boyfriend to act in a trustworthy manner, time to start acting like a person your boyfriend can trust. Stop spying on your boyfriend and start talking with him openly about your fears and insecurities. I think this is a good time for couples therapy to deal with these issues. And while you are at it, think about this axiom: Those who demand trust, get it in words. Those who demonstrate trust, get it in deeds.

by Greg Cason, PhD