Living Well With HIV: The Joy of (No) Sex?

by TeddyG

OK, I know this blog is about 'living well' but indulge me a little meltdown today, OK?

Let me be clear however: I’m not in any way judging or pointing fingers, I’m just frustrated. But here's the thing, does everyone with HIV bareback? Don’t they give a hoot about genotypes or the array of other STD's out there? I can’t tell you the number of hot positive guys I've talked to online who’ve gone silent after I mentioned wanting to have safer sex.

"This is one area of ‘living well’ I really need to tackle, pronto, but I need help!"

And just as many negative guys preface their profiles with “Drug and Disease free. Expect the same.” OK, fair enough, but to me it’s like a cold slap in the face, like I've been shuttered to a desert island. Part of me wants to scream, isn't this what condoms are for, guys?

Why leave me out?

I’m still young, attractive, and am feeling great. So how can I 'live well' without a vibrant sex life? This is one area of my life I really need to tackle, pronto.

But I need help. I yearn to feel passionate and connected to someone, but literally 98 percent of the potential partners I’ve come across online (I'm not a bar person) seem to think using a condom is akin to eating a plate of cold canned spinach. They have every right to feel that way, of course, and for them, maybe it's never a problem. I just know my doc says I'm doing well and that barebacking puts my health in jeopardy.

So for now, I am celibate, and in a way it's peaceful not having the baggage that often comes with casual sex. I'm focusing on friendships, fitness, mind body wellness and self-acceptance (lots of guided meditations lately, like these), but there's also a nagging sense I'm missing out.

I know I should get out there, meet and mingle, but how can I go out on a date and not tell him my status, right up front? Should I discuss health status before our taste in music or food? Lady Gaga or Gwen? Indian or Italian? Positive or negative?

Anyone have suggestions here (regardless of your status)? If you're negative, would you be pissed off if a guy went on a date with you and didn't discuss it right away? Or would you find it strange to get so personal, so quickly? I feel a poll question coming on!

Thus far In my experience, the easiest place to have the ‘what’s your status’ conversation is online--on a dating or hook up site. No real embarrassment, no drama for the most part: if it doesn’t work, click, they’re gone! But it also feels like such a cold cop out.

But one guy I've been talking to online is making me wobble: He’s totally my type, looks great and seems grounded; but nope, he's not into condoms either. Let me tell you, I’m tempted. A life of celibacy will NOT be a permanent condition.

What to do? Should I hold my ground and keep looking for Mr. Fabulous Positive Guy Who Uses Condoms even if it takes me 10 years to find him? Am I way off base here?

As usual, I'm all ears (comment box below to chime in) and welcome your thoughts.

Comments

[Tim]

Hang in there, i say wait until love comes along, then status wont matter will it?

[Richard]

I've had similar experiences, Teddy. It seems positive guys mostly want to throw caution to the wind, while most negative guys won't come near me with a ten-foot pole. There seems to be no middle ground. And there's nothing more condescending than that "Drug & Disease Free" label. That was always a turn-off to me even when I myself was D&D-free. Going on 6 years of celibacy here. :(

[TeddyG]

Hey Richard, well, Im finding a few more online lately interested in safer sex, even if we havent met, its a start, dont give up definitely keep an open mind...i think its best to be upfront about playing safer and it might attract like minded guys... good luck!

[Online Games]

There seems to be no middle ground. And there's nothing more condescending than that "Drug & Disease Free" label. That was always a turn-off to me even when I myself was D&D-free. Going on 6 years of celibacy here. :(

[buy cialis]

Well for many people HIV is something that you can get by simply touching, or by simply a look.lol, to bad theres so much people that doesn't want to know about HIV, and how to live with people who has it.