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Living Well with HIV: Cinematic Therapy from "A Single Man"

by TeddyG

I feel like I just had an intense therapy session, in the form of seeing “A Single Man” earlier tonight. I’m not saying it was the greatest movie ever made—I won’t throw in any spoilers but the ending was way too abrupt for my taste--yet the up side is that I didn’t want the film to end. I was totally enamored with Oscar nominee Colin Firth’s riveting performance as a gay man mourning the loss of his love, so much so that it stirred up emotions that have been buried for ages.

Let me explain.

The movie takes place in the early 1960s—decades before anyone had ever heard of HIV or AIDS, of course—but I felt incredible parallels with Firth’s mourning character, who I felt a kinship with because we’re both grieving a terrible loss. I realize mine, ever since my diagnosis, has been the perceived loss of myself. Or more specifically, my sexual self, my dating self, my flirting self. All had been lost to HIV, without my really realizing it. True, I’ve lamented and even bitched about being in a dating desert, but I haven’t been in a desert, I’ve been romantically dead and buried. It’s time to come back to life, and for some reason, this movie snapped me to attention.

A few things also struck me: the dialogue between Firth and a few of the absurdly hot young men that pursue him throughout the film is so civilized, so intelligent and so...kind. There was no bitchy one liners or attitude or dismissive judgments between the characters, and as I said, both younger characters were of the uber hot variety. Maybe I’ve been online too long, but I realized I’m sadly nonchalant and even used to all the hostile profiles (do NOT contact me if you’re this, this, OR this…) and flippant “what you looking for” greetings.

I’ve been in mourning all right, just like Firth’s single man, but it’s because in my mind, I’ve lost myself to another kind of ghost—HIV. As the movie unfolded, I found myself yearning for Firth to connect with these men he would meet, let go of his loss and see all he had to live for, and embrace it. But I've got to give myself the same advice. I’m in full, vibrant health at the moment, and romantically speaking, I’ve treated myself as the walking dead.

So I'm treating this as a cinematic wake up call. I have much to offer, and I’ve let my fear, judgment and the mere idea of rejection and other people’s dismissals of me shut down this big romantic heart of mine. My bad!

It may not be fair, what some people may think of people living with HIV, but what does it matter, and what can I do about it? I saw a Twitter post recently of a famous saying, what other people think of me is none of my business. Good advice, I'd say, and though (Pat Benatar alert!) love may indeed be a battlefield, it's like the lotto, isn't it? You can't win if you don't play.

So, thanks a bunch, Colin, you've got my Oscar vote...

So tell me, have any of you seen "A Single Man" and if so, what feelings came up for you? Was it a downer or inspiration? Let's discuss in the 'comments' below ...

MIND BODY: AIDS Researcher Pert Showcases Meditation CD

Can guided meditation/visualization or other relaxation techniques really enhance overall health, reverse illness or even slow the progression of HIV?  In previous blog entries, interviews and podcasts, we’ve pointed to experts and even research that indicates growing confidence in meditation as a viable health tool.

So when famed scientist, author, and AIDS researcher Candace Pert, CSO of RAPID Laboratories in Rockville, Maryland--which is developing a drug treatment and vaccine against HIV--releases her own guided meditation CD, attention must be paid.

But don’t let the mouthful of a title--“Healing the Hurting, Shining the Light, Chakras and Modern Neuroscience”—scare you; Pert’s soft-spoken approach of hard science and spirituality should relax and
inspire even the most cynical listener.

The centerpiece of the 5 track CD is the lecture/guided meditation “Chakra Lecture, A Musical Relaxation Process.” in which Pert blends “the facts of science with the latest thinking of…some of the most avant-garde healers in the world.”

Here are some highlights:

Over the Rainbow, Indeed! The colors of the rainbow all have corresponding sound waves, such as red and the musical note F, and each note can bypass informational substances and activate cellular receptors directly. What does this mean, exactly? Says Pert, “For me it’s enough to know, that music, spoken words, the colors of the rainbow, human brain waves and our molecules of emotion are all resonating together, in synchronous relationship.”

Have a Heart: The crown of the head is the place that has the most neuronal connections of anywhere in the brain. The heart contains every peptide neural information substance that’s ever been measured, and leads the electrical activity of the entire body. Thus, living from a loving, happy heart can be a very soothing place to be. Physiologically speaking, maybe that’s why gratitude, love and compassion feel so good.

Mind Really Does Matter: Think your mind doesn’t directly affect your body? During the meditation, Pert asks the listener to imagine cutting a bright, yellow lemon in half, and then imagine chewing that lemon in your mouth. Try it yourself and see if the resulting shivers and/or saliva filling your mouth isn’t very real.

For insight into Pert's AIDS research, check out our Q & A here. -- Mitch Rustad

TAKE A POLL: Adam Lambert, gay role model?

Are role models really important for one's self esteem? Is it important to you to have gay people to look up to and/or admire, or is that a bunch of adolescent malarkey?

One of the most famous openly gay men on the planet of late is Adam Lambert, last year's glam American
Idol runner-up who's been a lightning rod for the media ever since his sexually charged performance at the AMA's. (If you need a Lambert primer, here's his latest video...)

But do you see Lambert as a positive gay role model, or is the fact he's gay completely irrelevant to you?

Take our poll below! Is there another gay role model that inspires you in life? Let us know in the comments section...

Your Daily Dose: Healthy Headlines, Hormone Therapy...and More

Don't have time to find today's hottest health headlines? Here's what making news as we speak (we opt for the upbeat or amusing, when at all possible, you can find all the bad news on CNN, right?)... Enjoy!

HORMONE THERAPY: Hello, Darren Kagasoff!

MAKE MY DAY: Obama: This is the year to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell...

I NEED A HERO: FLA judge approves gay adoption ...

MUST READ: A new era in HVC therapy...

MIND BODY: De-stress with these relaxing images...

POP CULTURE: Idol drama: Ellen calls Simon a 'prima donna'

ASK THE THERAPIST: Fabulous at 50? It's Up to You...

I'm a black gay man living in New York City. In a few weeks I turn 50 years old. While turning 30 was difficult--I had to reconcile where I thought I'd be at that point with where I really was--turning 40 was quite easy. I knew who I was and was quite comfortable with myself. But this upcoming birthday has me quite anxious. I don't know where I fit in any more.

It has been more than a decade since I was last in anything even approximating a relationship and if it weren't for masturbation, I'd have no sex life at all. I was never much for bars and clubs and have even less inclination to be in them now that I'm seen as "that old guy." My peers are either coupled up or have given up and become homebodies. I'm in good physical shape and have a good professional life, but I'm now terrified of becoming that single, solitary, celibate old gay guy for the rest of my days. I'm becoming more than a little depressed.

Aging sucks. There, I said it. More wrinkles, fat that never leaves, aching knees, and hair that seems to move from your head to your ears. And that's just the physical part!  Furthermore, baring any physical or mental illness, emotionally we tend to feel less depressed, less hostile, less shy, and overall more emotionally stable.  Yes, you can reread that, I said less depressed, less hostile, less shy, and more emotionally stable.

Hallelujah!  There is at least something good about getting older!

So why aren't you feeling better? You used a lot of words in your question, but never actually said want you wanted and why you wanted it (and maybe that is part of your problem).  So, let me extrapolate.  You want a relationship so that you won't be the pathetic, miserable, lonely old grump that you apparently judge single guys to be in your situation that are past "a certain age."

Trouble is, that is not a good reason to get a relationship.  It's a selfish one. To be in a relationship, you must first become someone with whom you would like to wake up next to.  Sure you have a great job and a good body, but what's inside?  Are you interesting to other people?  Are you interested in other people?  What are the things in life that you value?  Did you vote in the last election?  Rather than looking for someone to fill your emotional void, become the person you have always wanted to be and fill that void yourself. 

Fifty is not old. Though, if you're trying to date gents in their 20's, it might seem that way.  But, try telling someone who is 80 that you are over the hill -- you'll get a dirty look you won't soon forget!  Here is my assignment to you (and being in NYC, you can do this!): volunteer at an agency that services gay senior citizens and make a one-year commitment.  Take them to lunch, play backgammon, and listen to their stories.  Find that single, solitary, celibate old gay guy that you fear becoming and really get to know him.  Listen how he forged a path in this world that you can now walk down openly and proudly.  Pay him back with the kindness and respect he deserves. And while you're at it, get some good old-fashioned psychotherapy to help you push yourself toward new challenges and not get so tied up in your troubled thoughts. 

Then check back with me and tell me how that year has changed you.-- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK THE DOC: How much higher can my T-cell count go?

A year ago I found out I was HIV positive. After taking the vitamins my doc prescribed, my T-cells have been over 400 ever since. How much higher can my count go, and what kind of T cell numbers does a non-infected person have? I'd like to get to 600 (it's my goal). Any advice?

In our lab at the hospital a normal T-cell count is 588-1202. Most non-HIV-infected patients will have T-cells in that range. If your HIV infection is only a year old or so you may have a T cell count that stays in the 400s for years. It may go higher. If we knew of any ways to make the CD4 cell count go higher without starting antiretroviral therapy (ART) we'd be very happy. Eating well, exercising, not exposing yourself to more virus, all these things are good for you but there are no known ways to effectively boost this part of your immune system (many health food articles to the contrary). If you've been HIV positive for years before actually getting diagnosed it may be that your T cells will not remain at 400 but may sink a bit.

Recent changes in the guidelines for starting patients on therapy for HIV recommend that physicians offer treatment to patients whose T-cell counts are between 350 and 500 whereas previously it was generally agreed that patients should wait to start (unless they developed some HIV-related illness) until the T-cell dipped below 350. Based on some large studies that support earlier treatment, your physician might recommend that you get started on medication for HIV now. This is a very important decision and each individual needs to review all the pros and cons carefully with their doctor.  Had you written this letter a year ago I'd be telling you that your are doing great and won't need meds for a while but today I'm writing with the suggestion that you and your doctor talk together about whether you are ready to start treatment.  The guidelines are not rules, but they are based on good data and lots of smart people with lots of experience trying to advocate for the best outcomes for patients with HIV. Good luck. -- Susan Ball, MD

Your Daily Dose: Healthy Headlines, Hormone Therapy...and More

Don't have time to find today's hottest health headlines? Here's what making news as we speak (we opt for the upbeat or amusing, when at all possible, you can find all the bad news on CNN, right?)... Enjoy!

HORMONE THERAPY: Hello gorgeous! ...

MAKE MY DAY: Oprah: Get a gay friend, girls!

I NEED A HERO: You go, Ohio! Tobacco prevention program aims at state's LGBT smokers...

MUST READ: Huge drop in meth use in NYC...

MIND BODY: Take a break with this soothing meditation...

Take A Poll: Living and loving with HIV...how's your love life?

If you're HIV positive, please take a moment for a very important
poll. Though HIV status should in no way limit anyone from finding their ideal mate, we get many comments from our Living Well WIth HIV column about this topic, and your feedback could be very helpful and enlightening to other people.

Thank you, and feel free to elaborate on your answer in the 'comments' section!

Your Daily Dose: Healthy Headlines, Hormone Therapy...and More

Don't have time to find today's hottest health headlines? Here's what making news as we speak (we opt for the upbeat or amusing, when at all possible, you can find all the bad news on CNN, right?)... Enjoy!

HORMONE THERAPY: Hello Tommy! ...

SAY WHAT? NJ says 'no' to marriage equality...

MAKE MY DAY: Equalitopia! Portugal closer to gay marriage...

I NEED A HERO: Elton to buy home for baby he couldn't adopt...

MUST READ: And coming up next on You Tube...gay marriage!

MIND BODY: Meditation made easy...

MUST SEE: How to personally affect the world...

ASK THE THERAPIST: Help! I'm married to a woman, but am attracted to men...

  I have recently become bisexual without the knowledge of my wife. I have had feelings for other men since I was in my teens which I attribute to the fact that i was sexually abused as a boy. Be that as it may, I am stuck with same sex feelings which have lead me to many countless hours of surfing internet porn at work.

I also have gay wet dreams. I also surf dating sites (men seeking men classifieds). I have now had various forms of "safe sex" with four guys. In my surfing, I came across sites which all promote admitting your feelings and fulling your same sex desires.

My wife would be horrified if she found out. I do love her and feel bad deep down that I am an adulterer. That's where my question comes in; is my own sexual pleasure more important than hers? I would gladly stop cheating and risk losing her by coming clean if I could find the strength. I would prefer to be straight if I could. To me this is a moral issue.

But can a person change their sexuality?

If your wife loved exhibitionism and could not get those needs met with you, would you mind if she became a stripper and did some private lap dances now and then?  Besides, lap dances are a form of "safe-sex!" Is it OK for her to do this without your knowledge, especially if she thinks telling you would "horrify" you?  Would you rather be an ostrich with its head in the sand?

I agree with you, this is an issue of morality--and yours is a problem. When you got legally married, you agreed to share your life with another person; the details of that agreement is between the two of you.  But, clearly you believe your behavior would violate that agreement. But it appears your solution is to have your desire to have sex with men taken away so that you will no longer have the behavior.

So let's be clear about something: Sexual orientation (such as being gay, bisexual, or heterosexual) is not a choice, it is also not changeable.  But sexual behavior (such as cheating on your wife) is a choice and can be changed. 

I applaud you for recognizing there is a problem and not hiding behind the cloak of righteous indignation that many in your position do.  I believe that if you wanted to stop this behavior, you would have done so by now.  You are being tortured by the fight between your desire to have physical closeness with other men and the desire for continued emotional closeness with your wife.  Unless you get agreement for a different arrangement from your wife, you can't have it both ways. Unless your wife agrees to allow you to go outside of the relationship for male sexual gratification, you are cheating on her.  But, don't count on her giving you a green light; people don't like when a relationship is started under false pretenses and then is fundamentally changed midstream. 

It's time for you to have compassion for both your wife and yourself. Your wife is a victim and she doesn't even know it.  I think it's time to come clean about your sexuality and your desires. Then you need to be prepared for the most difficult conversation of your life. But if you want to help her and the relationship heal, then you must open up and be there for her.  I suggest you tell her at a time when there is nothing going on for the rest of the day and the nothing scheduled the day after.  Then, I suggest you tell her when and where there will be no interruptions.  And, be prepared to answer her questions openly and honestly. 

If you want to involve a therapist, schedule a meeting for the two of you the day after you tell her.  I DON'T suggest telling her in a therapist's office because your wife may feel even more humiliated being told in front of another person.  And, don't fall into the trap of letting your emotions get the best of you and promising you will never have sex with men again in order to preserve your marriage--you have already shown that you could not resist this. 

If your wife wishes to continue the relationship, then the two of you will have to decide how things will change.  As your partner, your wife deserves an equal voice in this relationship.  The only way her voice doesn't count is if you are divorced.   As for being bisexual, it is time to start treating yourself (including your sexual orientation) with love and dignity, rather than shame and regret.  For now, stop cheating on your wife and start showing her the love and dignity she deserves as well. -- Greg Cason, PhD